Where does our love go after the baby is born?

Fathers also feel lonely: Where did our love go after the baby was born?

"Every day when I come home from get off work, it's like stepping into a world where it's just her and the baby."
"She only has eyes for the children; I feel like I've become invisible in this family."
"When I tried to get closer, she always said she was too tired... Gradually, I didn't want to try anymore."

These sentiments come from a Hong Kong father who shared his experience in our anonymous questionnaire. The birth of a baby should be a joyous occasion for the family, but for many couples, it becomes a turning point in their relationship—not leading to greater intimacy, but rather causing them to drift further apart.

The Forgotten Dad: Male Voices in Postpartum Relationships

Traditionally, postpartum depression and emotional distress are considered the "patent" of mothers. However, psychological research has found that fathers also experience profound emotional changes after the birth of their babies, though they often choose to remain silent.

A father's true feelings:
"I work hard to support my family, and rush home after get off work to help, but I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. When she wants to rest, I take over caring for the baby, but she keeps giving me instructions. When I try to be close to her, she always pushes me away, saying she's tired. Gradually, I feel like I'm not a husband anymore, but more like an ATM and a gofer. The worst part is that when I try to express these feelings, my family says, 'Mom works so hard taking care of the child, you should be understanding.' It's as if my feelings don't matter."

This feeling of loneliness is not an isolated case. A study by the University of Hong Kong showed that about 10% of fathers experience depressive symptoms after the birth of their child, but most of them never seek help.

Psychological Analysis: Why does love quietly slip away?

The crisis of transitioning from partner to parent
The transition from a couple's world to a three-person relationship presents challenges for both partners. Psychologists call this period the "vulnerable period of the relationship" for several reasons:

• Attention completely shifted: A mother's physiological instincts and social expectations lead her to devote most of her energy to her baby.

• Role confusion: The romantic relationship between spouses is replaced by the parental role.

• Accumulated fatigue: Continuous fatigue in newborn care reduces the desire for intimacy.

• Reduced communication: Meaningful couple conversations are replaced by transactional parenting conversations.

Imbalance in emotional needs
According to marriage expert John Gottman, couples have an "emotional bank account." This account often becomes severely depleted during the postpartum period.

• The father's emotional needs (to be needed, appreciated, and intimate) are not being met.

• The mother's emotional needs (to be understood, supported, and given practical help) were also ignored.

• Both sides felt they were giving but receiving nothing in return.

Practical Strategies for Rebuilding Connections: Start Changing Today

Advice for Dads: Understanding and Initiative

1. Redefining "Intimacy"
   During the postpartum period, intimacy does not necessarily mean sexual relations. Try:

   • Ten minutes of focused conversation each day (excluding parenting matters).

   • Non-sexual physical contact (hugging, massage, holding hands)

   • Sincere praise and gratitude: "You handled the baby's crying very well today."

2. Find your parenting role
   Don't wait to be assigned tasks; proactively build a unique connection with your baby:

   • Create special father-son/daughter time (bath time, bedtime stories).

   • Develop your own style of caregiving (you don't have to completely follow your mother's methods).

   • Take over completely when Mom is resting, and build confidence in parenting.

3. Express your needs, not your complaints.
   Try saying, "I really miss our time alone together. Could we get together for an hour for coffee this weekend?"
   Instead of saying, "You only care about the children and don't care about me at all."

Advice for mothers: Acceptance and invitation

1. Seeing Dad's efforts
   Even if the methods differ, try to trust and accept each other:

   • Give dads space to care for the baby in their own way.

   • Avoid constantly giving instructions and criticism.

   • I appreciate his attempt, even if the result wasn't perfect.

2. Reallocate emotional energy
   Consciously reserving space for the marital relationship:

   • Set aside 15 minutes each day to focus on your partner.

   • Please ask a family member to temporarily take care of the baby so that you and your spouse can have some alone time.

   • Recall and share the wonderful moments before giving birth.

3. Express your needs
   Try saying, "I'm very tired right now, but if you could massage my shoulders for ten minutes, I might feel a lot better."
   Instead of saying, "Go away, I'm tired, don't touch me."

Working Together as Couples: Three Keys to Rebuilding Intimacy

1. The Time of Creating "Us"
In Hong Kong's fast-paced lifestyle, it's essential to deliberately create time for couples to be alone together.

• Schedule a "date night" once a week, even if it's just watching a movie at home.

• After your baby falls asleep, avoid discussing childcare matters for 30 minutes.

• Recall and relive shared prenatal activities

2. Learn new communication methods

• Use sentences that begin with "I feel..." to avoid blaming.

• Regularly conduct "relationship checks" and honestly share each other's needs.

• Learn to pause during conflict and avoid heated arguments when exhausted.

3. Seek external support

• Consider asking a family member or nanny to temporarily care for the baby, giving the couple some breathing room.

• Participate in a couples relationship workshop provided by a Hong Kong social welfare organization

• If your relationship continues to deteriorate, don't hesitate to seek professional couples therapy.

From Crisis to Opportunity: Deepening Relationships Through Parenting Experiences

The first year postpartum is a stress test for couples' relationships, but couples who get through this difficult time often build a deeper emotional bond.

Re-framing this phase:
This is not the "disappearance of love," but rather a "transformation of love." The shift from romantic love to a deeper partnership, though painful, can lead to a more solid foundation for the relationship.

remember:
Taking good care of the marital relationship is the best gift you can give your child. Children who grow up in a loving and connected family will feel safe and secure.

When should you seek professional help?

If any of the following situations occur, it is recommended to consider seeking professional partner counseling:

• Persistent communication difficulties prevent conflict resolution.

• The emotional distance continued to widen, exceeding 6 months.

• One or both parties are considering separation or divorce.

• Relationship problems begin to affect parenting abilities

Many social welfare organizations in Hong Kong offer subsidized couple counseling services, and seeking help is a sign of a strong relationship.

【Important Note】 This article is for informational purposes only and is intended to provide general information. HK SafeKids is not a medical or professional mental health advisory organization. If you or your children experience any serious health or emotional problems, please consult a doctor, healthcare professional, or expert in the relevant field directly.