Stop comparing yourself to others as a parent: A guide to cultural liberation for Hong Kong parents

In Hong Kong, a highly competitive city with close-knit social circles and transparent information, many parents unconsciously fall into a common habit—comparing themselves to other parents. They compare their children's grades, their activities, their own roles in parent groups, and their children's "performance" compared to other children. This comparison is particularly strong in Chinese culture, due to factors including the pressure of "face," the collectivist mentality within the family, and parents' own sense of self-worth regarding their children's achievements.

Why do we make comparisons? (Cultural Background)

1. Face and Social Evaluation : In Chinese culture, "family" and "children's achievements" are often considered part of "family face" among social circles, relatives, and friends. Research indicates that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents are more likely to link their own worth with their children's performance.

2. The "Qi Ren Mentality" and Social Comparison: In collectivist cultures, the mindset of "not falling behind" and "everyone does it this way, so you should too" is more natural. Research indicates that Chinese parents frequently employ "social comparison shaming" as a disciplinary strategy.

3. Achievement-oriented thinking and a get-rich-quick mentality : In the context of Hong Kong and China, children's academic performance, talents, and competitions are often magnified, leading parents to mistakenly believe that their children must be one step ahead of others. News reports also point out: "Education is not about comparing yourself to others, but about improving yourself."

Because of these factors, parents may unconsciously compare themselves or their children with others.

Hidden Dangers of Comparison

• When we constantly compare ourselves to others, we are more likely to feel anxious, inadequate, and guilty.

• Comparing children to others can create pressure for them, making them feel "I'm not good enough" or "I must be better than others," which is detrimental to their self-esteem and development. Research indicates that parental social comparison shaming can weaken adolescents' sense of competence and inhibit their sense of meaning in life.

• Comparisons can also damage parent-child relationships, leading to more competition rather than support and connection between parents and children.

• It obscures the unique background, resources, pace, and strengths of each child and family. Comparison makes the value of "you are you" overlooked.

In the daily life of a parent in Hong Kong, you might be making these comparisons:

• In parent groups/school parent gatherings, parents compare whose children can sing faster, whose children can dance earlier, and whose children can speak English better.

• Compare children's grades, tutoring classes, and awards.

• Compare whether you have time to spend with your child, how many extracurricular classes you take your child to, and how many toys/courses you buy for your child.

• Compare with the children/parents of relatives and friends, or the "perfect parent" image on social media.

Stop Comparing: 4 Practical Strategies (Targeting Hong Kong Chinese Culture)

1. Set your own standards, not others'.
   First, ask yourself: "What kind of person do I want my child to become? What are the most important values ​​in my family?" For example: kindness, confidence, and the ability to try new things, rather than just focusing on being number one. Remember your family's rhythm.

2. Recognize that "every family is different".
   In Hong Kong, family backgrounds, resources, children's personalities, and school environments vary greatly. There's no need to measure your family's progress by comparing it to "other people's children are..."

3. Shift your focus from "what others are doing" to "what we are doing".
   Spend 10-15 minutes each week or month talking with your spouse/children about where you've made progress this week/month, what small achievements your children have made, and what parenting behaviors you've exhibited well. This is more effective than comparing yourself to others.

4. Accept imperfections and the learning process.
   In Chinese culture, there is pressure to be "the best," "the fastest," and "the earliest." You can consciously remind yourself and your child: mistakes are okay; progress is the key. Your child may be a little slower than others, but if they can grow steadily and develop good habits, that deserves recognition.

Conclusion

Stopping comparisons with others doesn't mean giving up on progress, but rather shifting the focus: from "who's better" to "becoming a better version of yourself that suits your family." In a competitive and comparative environment like Hong Kong, parents can choose to step outside the race of comparison and invest more energy in genuine connection, growth, and interests with their children. In this way, children not only improve their grades but also become happier, more confident, and well-rounded individuals.

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